Toss it up*

to everyone

2009-12-24T01:16:44Z

Seriously, I don't have much to say.

happy

2009-12-20T01:56:32Z

Nothing else can best describe what I feel right now than that word written above. It's too magical when everyone you care about is just so happy. It's actually kind of contagious, because personally I don't have much to be happy about.
Or perhaps there is. I saw this person's picture today after a long time and it's kind of strange how I feel somehow happy that's he's happy where he is now. After all, I can't feel anything else but that for him. And I believe that it's just the right thing to do.
Just be happy.
Although sometimes he still makes me wish he was here with me. But yeah, I guess that would be asking for too much.

I will be back to tell you more when it comes to me. In the meantime, I'm going to get ready for today's family day.
Make someone happy today!

it starts here

2009-12-18T01:57:08Z

It's officially the start of my much-awaited Christmas vacation. It's the Lantern Parade later and it's my first time to join the parade. And yes, I'm all set to feel cold!
So I'll be out tonight...and perhaps tomorrow as well. We have this alumni meeting for the homecoming next year, but I'm not yet so sure if I'll be going. My batchmates in highschool haven't seen much of me since graduation and I don't think I want them to see me/I want to see them just yet. I don't know, I'm just elusive like that. But I might go, who knows? And then Sunday...is another day out. My sister's scheduled to buy a new mobile phone with her own money and it looks like I'm gonna stay stuck with my old one. Might buy a new pair of shoes, though, since that's all I can afford right now. But mark my words: count two Christmases (including this year's) and I'm gonna buy myself a MINI for Christmas. Yes, a black one at that.

But tonight! I'm kind of excited. Might even come home with something special. Again, who knows?

something big, as promised

2009-12-13T01:49:19Z

http://iskrats.wordpress.com/2009/12/13/sina-lola/

(second) thoughts

2009-12-11T12:05:03Z

Yours could be the hand I'm holding tonight.

just something to type about

2009-12-10T09:54:51Z

Today has been quite eventful, but I think I've had enough. I was witness to a rather heated discussion between an ergativist and a Chomskyan this morning and I'm just so glad I was there. There was also this guy I know who texted me this afternoon. I didn't reply and I admit that was rude, but I don't know what exactly to say so I'd rather not say anything. Mom also bought me a pack of skittles but that's hardly unusual.

In other news, I don't have much classes left tomorrow and next week. The holidays are coming, but I still can't feel it. There's still something missing but I believe it will be coming soon. And yeah, for some strange reasons, I feel too excited about the 18th. Guess what? It's the infamous UP Lantern Parade! It's a good event that makes you realize how cold your Christmas is. I guess mine will just be as cold as usual.

Now I have to read two chapters on my anthropological linguistics compilation and read something about the comparative method and historical linguistics during the nineteenth century. So I guess I'm done typing for now.

P.S. I have something big coming up this Saturday. It's best to expect a post about it.

unexpected

2009-12-08T11:01:01Z

Currently having a spectacular dinner made by mom while cyberstalking a certain someone. Okay, that was creepy and that's not true because I'm stalking that person in real life. Wtf. That was creepier and that's not true, either. Should I just stop typing now?
The truth is, actually, yes, aside from the fact that I am having my dinner and YES it's very much likable, I saw this certain someone earlier today. And that was quite unexpected, that I am telling you. I was sitting quietly in the jeepney and a car drove past. Saw and recognized the make and the plate. Also saw and recognized the person driving the car. It was bliss, because the moment was just so random and unexpected. I even half shouted "What the fuck!" when I saw it was this certain someone, and since my right ear is quite dysfunctional these past couple of days, I think I didn't just half shouted it. This happened on my way to school (actually, I was already in school that time, it's just that I wasn't in my building yet) and it wasn't a bad way to start the school day.
Also, the US and CS lists came out today. Apparently, I was looking for my name in the wrong list. 'Nuff said.
In other news, I think I will sleep early tonight. But what's so new about that?

Will type tomorrow if the wind brings me something good.

Lenny Kravitz - Again

2009-12-06T11:06:34Z

Just hours fresh from JLPT. I think it's best not to comment on it until the results come out next year. For now, all I can say is that I am thankful that the exam is over.

The aforementioned examination is not actually the reason for this post. The strange truth is that I've been here and back again since Friday night, and I have been itching to type about this certain person (refer to the last post for more details) but the words just won't come out. I guess words won't be able to justify what I feel now towards that certain person. I don't know what to call it. I'm not even sure if it has a name.
So yeah, you. Can you please tell me how come you have such an effect on me?
Don't tell me I'm in love, because that's just too cliche.

I think this certain song (for a certain person) will be the only song on my playlist for an incredibly long time.

agit

2009-12-04T11:47:46Z

I have just finished watching P.S. I Love You for the third time, and I have raccoon eyes. Yes, it was the third time I watched it but dammit, I cried from start to finish yet again. It's just such a wonderful movie and it never ever fails to touch me. And I thank my future brother-in-law for sending the DVD.
Gosh, I feel like a real softie.

So news. There's nothing special this week apart from what has already been mentioned in the past posts, really, well maybe except for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test on Sunday (I'm taking the Level 3 exams, wish me luck!). Haven't had Archaeology and Pan Pil 12 classes this week as the professors in both subjects were MIA. Well, we were informed about the absence of the prof in the first subject, so it's totally cool. I just don't know about the prof in the second subject though. Luckily enough, I have a PE subject this semester which is cheerleading, by the way, but contrary to what most people think, well, there are no minis and pompoms involved in this PE class. We just have to watch events, mostly sports ones, wear a specific shirt, shouts our heads off for our university's team and have some card stamped by a pep squad member. Pretty sweet, I know. My problem now is, my class was assigned to watch softball, a sport I know nothing about except that it's something like baseball, in UST. There are no tickets needed to be bought and that's super cool but I don't know how to go to UST, much less find the softball field or wherever the hell that sport is played. And since I don't really know anyone personally in that class, I don't have any travel buddies or whatever, and that just makes the whole thing more screwed than it originally is. But anyway, the games won't start until next year, so I guess I would have found a way to get through it by that time. Who knows, I might find someone who'd be kind enough to act as a tour guide.

Other than that, I can't think of anything else to type about. That, I think, is quite ironic, considering that I haven't stopped thinking since I woke up this morning. I mean, just where is your Propranolol prescription when you need it? It's been like ten months since I last took one and hell it really helps make me feel better in some way, and I am thinking it might be time to ask the doctor for a new prescription of that (You can actually legally do that, I mean, if you're in my situation you're the only one who could tell how you feel and they can't say no when you ask for that kind of medication. The drug is nothing addictive though, I'm telling you. I just think I badly need it, especially these days.). I feel nervous about something I can't really pinpoint. And there's this one person who's been in my head since I last saw him yesterday morning, and I think he'll be in there for a long time.
Unless he does something to make me think of moving him somewhere else inside of me.

random

2009-12-02T08:39:10Z

1) Lately, I've been getting the impression that you can't be in the state university and be medicated on a long term basis. I mean, it's suicide. Thank goodness I'm on my third to the last semester, and I don't have to wait that much longer. Still, I don't think I can be sick.

2) I've only had two out of three classes today and there's nothing to do except the recording for Lingg 170. About the recording, well, we had to translate an English song to Tagalog and sing it in class. Yes, in a linguistics class. I'm not really sure what's gotten into our professor but the activity is a bit refreshing, except for the performance part. Half of the class, including me, sang our very own translations this morning. Mine was Yellow by Coldplay, and I'm none too proud of my translation. Honestly, I didn't put much effort to it/I'm not really a fan of translation. My professor actually said I had a good singing voice. Shame on me if I didn't; that would be like defying my name. But seriously, I think it was quite flattering, since a lot has already changed with my voice since I stopped singing long ago and I seriously thought I had stamped that shit out of me already. Anyway, my classmates had good translations, singable ones, yes, and there were some crazy ones that made most of us in the class bang our heads our tables. There's still half of them, and I'm definitely looking forward to Friday.

3) A new building was inaugurated back in school this morning, and people said the president came. I'm not sure; there was a rally and I really really wanted to go but we lost communication with the group we were supposed to go with. Oh well. So much for throwing eggs at her. Damn, that would have been sweet.

4) I don't have Archaeo 2 tomorrow since my professor is in Vietnam because of some conference. Then I don't have majors, too, because we have to listen to a paper presentation. So...I can maybe review for the JLPT this weekend (Wish me luck!) and sleep early. (What's so new about the last part, anyway?)

5) I've already downloaded an instrumental version of Yellow for the recording, but my throat is already tired. I'll record tomorrow; that's a must.

6) I was reading this book I found in the library with the word "destiny" in its title. It turned out to be about astrological signs and all that stuff. The book said I belong to the Gemini-Cancer or the Magic cusp, and it also says that people who belong in that cusp has a good balance of feeling and logic. I don't know about that part, but as much as I hate it, there were some parts that really come close to what I am. It was a pretty interesting read.

7) In relation to the Lingg 170 thing, I think I need to update my playlist now. I'm so stuck with the 90's.

8) I'm sorry for typing such long posts lately. I need to get these all out of me before they pollute my head. I'm thinking of typing about something special, but maybe I will do it next time.

throw it all away

2009-12-01T08:10:30Z

I've been so tired lately. There are a lot of things that needs to be done and I feel like I don't get enough sleep. My schedule for December is already full and to top it all off my headache just doesn't freaking go away. Plus there's this issue about the L word that's been bothering me though I know it's not worth my time. There's barely three weeks left before the Christmas vacation, and to tell you honestly I can hardly wait for the next couple of weeks to be over.
So yeah, it's Christmas. The weather's been cold and my brain seems to do nothing else but sleep. But yeah, before I forget, my wishlist this year only contains three things. First is a planner, an electronic one as much as possible. Second, is a pair of shoes I can wear to school everyday because I'm sick of wearing flip flops. The last, and what I've been wishing for for the last couple of years, are matching bedsheets, preferably sea green, neon green, stripes or black. Most likely I will end up getting all those three for myself.
About the L word. Well, I've come up with a decision, and a final one at that. I give up. It's not for me. So... I'm not gonna put myself out there anymore and make myself seem like a total fool. The whole thing is bogus, so...like I said: I give up. I know it's kind of early for a New Year's resolution, but what the hell, it's just a month early.

Everyone has trademarks. You know, things people remember about them even if they're already gone. I haven't found mine, and I doubt I have one, but rather that live in someone else's shadow, I'd rather be forgotten. Cheap. Zen. In the end, I'm just gonna be the girl you once knew.

Sorry for typing like this. I'm just bored is all. Totally bored. Don't ask with what.

sleeping awake

2009-11-25T11:38:47Z

It's only been an hour since I got home from a visit to my high school with a friend. I wasn't so keen on the idea at first, but I'm glad we went. I have no other words to explain what happened back there. I'm not sure; my brain seems to be asleep since the first day of my new dosage. But I may type about it one of these days, that is, if I'm not going to be busy or if my brain will be functioning normally. I seriously doubt that would happen, but I will try.

Ah, that reminds me. I went to this new endocrinologist with my dad this Monday. Aside from the doctor and the dosage, well, there's nothing really new. I won't be going back there until after a hundred days. Yes, I counted.

It's been days since I started to obsess over David Balfour, who incidentally is a fictional character. There is something more to it, but I don't think it would be a good idea to share it here. I'll think about it, though.

In the meantime, I'll be leaving you with this post. It's hardly sufficient, I know, but I'm afraid I'm going to fall asleep on this laptop, so, I wish you an early good night.

on a watchtower

2009-11-22T00:49:14Z

All things have been said and done, but all the thoughts at the back of my head remains hidden.
A long time has passed since the beginning, but it's just now that I've given thought of it.
It's been years since I first met this person. I can't even remember where and how. What I know is that we still have communication with each other even after all this time. That I definitely cherish. We don't talk regularly, but I know with each sentence we say to each other, he imparts something of him to me, and I'm pretty sure I do the same to him.
It's too nice a feeling to know that somewhere out there, somebody is ready to help you. It's too nice a feeling to know that somewhere out there, somebody shares the same interests, even the same playlist, with you. And I guess it's one of the best feelings in this world to know that somewhere out there, there's a soul that understands. Even if you've never met organically. Even if you've never met eye to eye.
I'm not sure. I told you it's just now that I've given thought of it. I've been on the sidelines for the longest time, watching, waiting. I'm happy with where I am, but I cannot say that I am contented. Even from the beginning, all I wanted was to be there for someone.
I just know I have to be there for someone.
This person I'm talking about, I know there is a lot going on for him, a great mix of good and bad. I have been a part of the audience for the longest time, and there have been random times when I wanted to be a part of the game. The desire grows every time, though I can't say exactly how and why. Maybe I know too much or I care too much. Either way, I just want to step in there and stop being a mere spectator. But I can't possibly do that, can I?
But it all comes to this. Given all circumstances and chances, I want to be there.
And if I can't be his guiding light, I'd be his eyes.

quote unquote

2009-11-19T14:14:22Z

You may remember that I have written that myths get thought in man unbeknownst to him. This has been much discussed and even criticized by my English-speaking colleagues, because their feeling is that, from an empirical point of view, it is an utterly meaningless sentence. But for me it describes a lived experience, because it says exactly how I perceive my own relationship to my work. That is, my work gets thought in me unbeknown to me. I never had, and still do not have, the perception of feeling my personal identity. I apear to myself as the place where something is going on, but there is no"I," no "me." Each of us is a kind of crossroads where things happen. The crossroads is purely passive; something happens there. A different thing, equally valid, happens elsewhere. There is no choice, it is just a matter of chance. (Levi-Strauss 1978:3-4).

lesson no. 1: "coincidence"

2009-11-16T03:21:48Z

I'm fresh from watching a one and a half-hour film I remembered saying I dare not watch, but the hell, I just did. Never mind the title and how popular it has been; I don't care about how the actors in the movie were included in my favorites list and how I downloaded the soundtrack before anything else (though I think some other film's OST is still better that this movie's). The point is, it really is my story.
I'm like the perfect hybrid of the two main characters and I have no words to explain it. It's just so funny that while I was fastened on my seat, watching the film, I was so reminded of myself, of how I've been for like almost two years (kind of the same as the movie, actually). I don't know. It's just too much resemblance that I can't take it; my insides actually hurt. But it's a good hurt, that I am definitely sure of.
This is the blog where I've mentioned the word 'coincidence' like a million times, and I was right all along: it just all comes to this word. There's nothing else to it. It all starts here. And then, it's just a matter of taking the chance or letting it pass. For me it was just a lesson, something I had to go through to be able to know what's true and real. He was just someone I'm supposed to meet to open my eyes to reality. And it's all thanks to him, and Him that now I know.
I've thought about deleting this blog to get rid of these memories, but it looks like all my reasons are gone with the wind. This chapter was one of the best in my life so far and it's just now that I'm realizing it. I don't know, I doubt words would ever be able to explain what I feel right now. But I do know that I just had a lesson learned. Perfectly. And I am so damn proud that I'm one of those few people who learned this lesson personally, not just through a movie. But damn it, whoever you are, you movie writer, I think I should meet you. We're gonna have a peachy time.
People. They just come and go in our lives, maybe to just be there at one point or be there forever. But the thing is, they are there to teach you something. There was this person in my life I thought I should have. Turns out he was just there to teach me something I needed to know to be able to carry on with my life the way I'm supposed to. There was pain, all right, but I guess pain is inevitable when you're in the learning process. I don't really get it, but God is cheeky like that.
The words in the movie, it's like they came out straight from my brain. It's unbelievably ridiculous yet true. I don't know. Now I don't honestly care what's gonna happen next. What I know is that I just have to keep my eyes open and never let any chance pass by.

A toast to a new episode. And alas, life, again, goes on. For me.

random

2009-11-15T01:16:49Z

I've been looking for a tasty layout that could always motivate me to type here because the one I designed doesn't work for me anymore. As you can see, I found this layout. I'm none too keen on the pink, but my posts look good with this, so I thought why not use it? Besides, I've been thinking of what to type since last night and the quest for the perfect layout is taking so much of my time and I'm afraid that the well-thought of words might once again slip away... But check out the mood theme. I was totally blown away.

So I've been thinking about one thing, and one thing only: can I just start over? I mean, can I just forget everything that's been written here in this blog? But if I can, then this blog has entirely lost its purpose. I want to keep coming back here, but a part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to be reminded of the things that has happened since I start using this blog. I don't want people to know what happened before.When I go here and reread what I've written before, I just crack like a fragile vase dropped on the floor because I see all the problems, and I think of all that could have been. That's the biggest problem. I don't want to know what could have been. I don't want to ask "what if" or "if only." I don't want to be reminded of how many backward steps I took, believing that this life is like a game of chess that "you have to take backward moves to be able to take better forward ones." If life is just like a game of chess like they say, then I hope it's just easy to shove all of the pieces off the board and start over. But it's not like that, is it? It's never gonna be like that.
I've taken too many backward moves in hope of a chance of a good forward move, but with what I've been doing all this time, for all I know, the game might come to an end too soon.

On the brighter side of things, I think coming back here time and again would be like a test for me. It was like that with my old blog and what the hell, anybody can make me read that blog over and over again everyday without feeling anything. I even laugh about it now. But this? Oho, that would be tough. But I think it will be better with time. Whoever said "time heals everything."

On a much brighter side of things, the second semester's going pretty well. Three of my professors haven't showed up yet to my dismay. For one, my professor in Archaeology is apparently of British citizenship and I am more than excited to hear his breathtaking English accent, my favorite of all English accents, well maybe except for Irish and Scottish. I'd go as far as transcribe all of our classes in IPA. But that's not all; apart from the professor being British, of course I am also thrilled by the course. I might even have my masters degree in Archaeology. That reminds me, after counting and deliberation, I am two semesters and thirty-three units shy of graduation. That's a year and like, four months to go, and you can bet your ass on it, I can hardly wait.

One more thing: health issues. I prefer not to comment about it as of the moment, but I'll have you know that I have a scheduled check-up a week from now. With my fourth doctor. Apparently, my mom doesn't like the methods of the third doctor, so we're going to a new one as referred by my mom's friend (who also has the same condition as me). Until then, I don't want to talk about it. The thought of another injection prick still pisses the hell out of me because it never fails to leave a big bad bruise, but the best part is, I only have seven pill days left, that is, until a new prescription.

Last thing: movies. I've watched a truckload of new ones lately, and a lot of them are generally out of my preferred genre. There are good new ones still in the cinemas and there is one I dare not to watch even over the internet. Personal reasons. Well, somebody said that it's kind of like my story and yes, based on reviews it kind of sounds like that so I'm not risking it. But I think I will, sooner or later.
The funny part is, next week is the showing of the much-awaited New Moon. Oh my, I've been waiting for that movie to come out; I'm kind of curious as to how they'd present the book in a film. But I'm gonna be waiting until the talks and the popularity die out before I go to the cinemas myself. I can't take it, this is so unlike me. And for petesakes it's a love story with vampire undertones (yes, the vampire part is the undertone). Still, the truth is I've been waiting for it.

Having watched all these movies and shit, I am now thinking that almost every imaginable story has already been thought of and written by all these people. But not mine. I believe it's still yet to unfold.

P.S. I accidentally pressed the backspace key and the browser stepped back one page away from this form where I'm typing this long post. I literally shouted "Fuck!" and the sound bounced all around the four walls of this room I'm in. But what I really want to say is thank you to the autosave thing for working properly today unlike before when I had to retype the whole post because the long one I've already written so perfectly has been erased by a simple mistake of pressing the wrong key accidentally. Blame it on my trembling fingers, courtesy of my disease.

unsettled

2009-11-12T11:20:26Z

My life is just getting more and more uninteresting, to think that I've spent the last two years believing in a lie. And all this, this freak of a lie has been staring at me in the face. What now?
I'm sorry if I started this post like this; I have no other way to let this unexplainable feeling out. I can't tell anyone; I don't want more people to be involved. I can't cry; I promised not to do that anymore. For this kind of events, I am glad for the existence of my dog and this blog, which both will do nothing but listen. That's the only thing I need right now and most of the time.

Now's not the time for a sound post. I should get out of here and be back when I've pulled myself together.

hi/gh

2009-11-11T10:21:13Z

1) Pardon me if I'm using this posting style again; there is no other way to get this post over with as fast as I can.
2) It's just the first week of the semester and I'm already completely stuck with the first assignment in two of my major subjects (I actually have three).
3) The professors in my other three subjects this semester didn't come to class yet. I am utterly disappointed by that fact.
4) I have 7 am classes three times a week.
5) Those will be the death of me.
6) I need to finish my school work as in right now so I can continue reading Robert Louis Stevenson's Kidnapped, my favorite classic novel.
7) Or the only classic novel I have ever dared to read.
8) Random thought: there's nothing wrong with greeting someone a happy birthday, is there?
9) Since the broadband connection is back (Yes!), I guess I'll be posting again in the near future, well, maybe tomorrow.
10) For the mean time, I'm leaving you with this post. I promise to tell you more when it comes to me.

8 months

2009-11-06T23:28:54Z

It's been such a long time since the last post in this blog. I've been everywhere and I guess it was all OK, but I miss writing so much that the desire to write again brought me back to this one place in the web that I don't want to be in again. Nonetheless, I am here, and I will be coming back time and again to pour my heart out.
So, 8 months. Too long a while. A lot has happened since then, but believe it or not, you, reader of this blog, did not miss that much. A lot has changed, but I don't want to talk about it anymore. What's important is I like where I am now.

In a few days will be the start of the second semester, my third to the last before graduation. Yes! I know everything seems so fast and all. I still don't have stable internet connections here at home, but I will try to get one and update.
In other news, today is family day and I'm very excited about it, never mind the fact that we just went out last week. Anyway, I think that's enough for now, but I promise I'll be back to type more. Soon.

3

2009-03-27T11:31:53Z

1) after all the hardships and one sleepless night, i'm just glad that it is all over.
2) this thing between us? now i'd like to think of it more as a happy coincidence.
3) i keep my promises. see? i'm keeping your memory vague.

short (and sweet)

2009-03-25T10:56:13Z

10 words to sum up this day up:
1) crazy.
2) fun.
3) surprising.
4) frustrating.
5) tiring.
6) unexpected.
7) strange.
8) hot.
9) lazy.
10) rainy.

and 8 more words to end this: let's just not bring the past back, shall we?

i'll type more when i'm free from all this school stuff and shit. toodles.

shuffle

2009-03-24T10:49:43Z

"Well, everyone I know has got a reason to say put the past away."

dents

2009-03-23T08:23:41Z

there are just so many things that has happened since God knows when, like unexpectedly seeing a classmate in the mall bookstore, watching this very weird movie, buying a new mp3 player and meeting you. modesty aside, i know i have this good memory and shit but the last happened so long ago now that i'm not sure if i still remember.
the only problem now is, for some unexplainable reasons you just keep me hanging on. i don't care how much pain i'd have to endure in the process; all i care about is walking out of that door and never looking back on everything i will, hopefully, leave behind.
"you know, i waited this long just to say goodbye."

now back to studying.

symptoms (of you)

2009-03-20T09:50:49Z

perhaps it'd be a whole lot better if i'd just let it all go. maybe everything would fall back to where and how it was before.
the longer i stay, the smaller it gets.

still, i can't.
oh, and with all the familiar faces in this place...

how can i make this stop? how can i make it not about you?

the anxiety grows.
my heart throbs.

"when i see you..."

pieces

2009-03-19T09:24:11Z

"i've never felt alone.
i'm alright on my own.

'til i met you."